Complete Restoration from Above

Before I delve into today's inspirational topic, I wanted to apologize for missing a post last week because I know many of you actually look forward to my blogs. Last weekend we moved into our new home, and were caught up unpacking and decorating. And as you can imagine, no internet access, still awaiting connection from Verizon but I was inspired this morning to share a message with you so I managed my cell without wifi. 

            I wish to remind you all once again that this blog was created not as an outlet, but as a platform to encourage you, to inspire you, and to empower you to fully live your life as you endeavor to become the best you. It is most definitely not about what's cool now or what's trending, it's about touching souls. If you ever feel that it's losing focus on the mission feel free to send me a private message to steer me in the right direction. Prior to creating this blog, I asked friends and family their thoughts about my decision. One of the comments I received questioned me on whether I can handle negativity, or bashing on my blogs. I simply responded that I doubt my writings will elicit such reactions. I am thankful that we haven't encountered such behavior. I truly appreciate the positive energy. 

And now the message: 

        Even before 2014 started I anticipated the year to be nothing but good. As we approach the end of January, I wish to share this uplifting message about God's restorative power. Many of us are lost or have felt lost at some point in our lives, not knowing what to do or where to turn for help. I was so decisive and so sure of what I wanted to do in life up until age 21-graduation. Then I lived the next 5 years lost & confused amidst several jobs, unemployments, government loan deferments, salliemae harassments, and attempts at law school and nursing school (both utter disasters due to lack of financial support).  It felt as though the rat race will never end, and my life will forever be caught in disappointment after disappointment notwithstanding the false rumors  that plagued my name. Maybe you can't relate to the aforementioned, but you have endured a terrible breakup, divorce, rape, domestic violence, loneliness, depression, a major illness, etc. I just wish to inform you that God has the power to restore you completely and renew you. You might have endured so much, but scripture tells us that he will give rest to those who are heavy laden. 

              As I reflected upon the goodness of God since September '13, I went back to the hardships and struggles encountered prior. And all I can do was meditate upon this scripture: Joel 2:25 "And I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you."

I can assure you that in my case he did exactly that on every level of my life. He has turned my mournings into laughter. We were not created to "hang in there", but to rather thrive. So do not live in mediocrity, in so doing you impede the fulfillment of your destiny. Address issues in your life 1-by-1, discipline yourself, focus on the good, pray often, and do good, and your perspective on life will transform. 

God will turn around your captivity and change your life if you rely on him. I realize not everyone of you is Christian, I acknowledge that, but I also know you believe in a higher power. Let that guide you as you approach life with more boldness, hope, peace, strength, and joy.

 Happy Sunday, be blessed. 

You are what you think

After graduating college, I stumbled upon a book called The Secret, which was very popular years ago; the timing couldn't have been any better! Now the lesson I learned from the book is that once a thought occurs in your mind, it is automatically captured and willed into being. The book boldly stated that some of the bad things that happen to us are things that we have willed into being, in lemans term we jinx ourself. When I recommend the book to others, I explain that it is a book about faith written without using the word faith in order to appeal to a broader non-religious audience. As I meditated upon a topic, it occurred to me how true this book was and wanted to share it with others. 

While residing in NYC during 2010, I racked up parking and speeding tickets over a $1,000. It was not unusual to hear me talk about how parking meters hated me, for some reason the time seemed to always go faster when I parked there. It was almost all I could think of, how to get rid of current tickets and how to avoid getting more; only to incur even more tickets. Then I remembered the lesson in The Secret, about how when you focus your attention on a particular issue you mind actually registers that you want that thing to occur. So I sacrificed and paid off all my tickets, and vowed to no longer get another parking ticket, I since haven't  and I won't knock on wood because I just know I won't. 

The bible tells us to call things to be as though they are, that is truly the secret of the Christian life. We are bound to experience trauma, pain, hurt, and challenges, but the goal is to endure and not be moved by present circumstances and rather shift our focus to how things will be once "this" passes. As we focus daily on the good things that await we are able to deal with the unpleasant situations, learn what we ought to learn, and persevere. Know that as your mind conceives possibilities, you will be able to address any issues life throws you. 

Be positive! Be empowered! 

Becoming a child again

We have the privilege and honor to live to see the year 2014, and like myself most of us are eager to see what this year will bring. The most common thing at the beginning of every new year is the goals we all set. Sometimes we acknowledge the need to make a change in our lives, but somehow manage to procrastinate the change until the new year. The most ideal method in goal-setting is making a conscious effort to make it a daily endeavor instead of a yearly leap. As this new year begins, many wish to exercise, shed some pounds, get married, have children, obtain new jobs, move out-of-state, become better individuals, save and pay off debt, grow spiritually, learn to forgive, etc. Believe it or not, my 2014 goals were set in August 2013, simply because I am timeline-conscious. 

I started this year reading several self help books, to improve myself in becoming my ideal self. But as I watched my little niece Shaniya's behavior and demeanor it occurred to me that most of the goals I sat would easily be accomplished if I learned to re-develop the child-like traits I once had. Children are such a blessing; and even though I do not yet have my own, I had the privilege to be around them my whole life. The way she lights up a room with her sweet voice and smile even when no one is in the mood to talk is just amazing. Here are some traits that children possess that can alleviate adults of some of the unnecessary burdens of life. 

Children have a (1) humble spirit, (2) they have faith, (3) they love unconditionally, and (4) can easily transform. 

1. The pride of life is so destructive, and creates a haughty spirit that is unyielding to the Holy Spirit. Children are not so easily offended, and do not hold grudges.

2. Faith calls for complete dependence on God knowing that you can trust him to make possible that which we can't do. Children demonstrate this trait by trusting their parents to provide, and be there for them when in need. Children do not worry about what they need or want even if their parents tell them they have no money. 

3. The Bible says he who forgives little loves little. We live such stressful lives, and make it even more complicated by malice, hatred, and lack of compassion. Love transcends all things only if we do yield. 

4. Children are teachable. Most people go through life knowledgeable through academia but miss all the important lessons at the core of this journey called life, simply because we refuse to be teachable by experiences, or those in our lives who are wise. 

Combining all these traits, realize that you can develop high self-esteem and self-love to counter depression, you can blossom in love and cease to become hurt and broken, become financially wise because your spending habits have taught you better, achieve your highest educational, and social goals because you have faith that with God all things are possible. 

I pray 2014 brings you total harmony with your heart, mind, and soul as you become like a child yearning for the greater good in life. 

You Just Never Know!

                            As my parents prepared to celebrate their 40 years of marriage, I started questioning my mom about their love story to discover their secret for such a long marriage. She eagerly started recounting their meeting by saying: "your father, I love him!". As she told me about how her family opposed my dad to marry her because he was "just a pastor" and could not provide. Although my father performed very well academically specifically in Mathematics, no one ever knew that because he had chosen as a young man to serve the Lord wholeheartedly. The feud was based on the fact that my mom was actually in school, and had lawyers, professors and doctors trying to marry her; yet all she wanted was to be with a broke pastor who in hindsight had nothing to offer. Everyone in my huge extended family was against the marriage except my maternal great-grand-mother who is now legend in my hometown. She boldly stood firm against the chosen men of the family and told all of them to let my mother be with the man she loves, and that was pretty much the end of the conversation. 40 years later with 10 children, 24 grandchildren (pending more), and 1great-grandchild, my parents have accomplished much more than what money can buy. They have been able to bring to the U.S all their children and all their grandchildren are here except 4.
                I grew up watching African movies similar to Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare. I never could understand why some Africans refuse to have their children marry the ones they love but rather marry people for economic and societal status, and fame. Although this practice has diminished partially due to westernization, I feel that it continues to be ingrained in the minds of a lot of women both African and even American. Women continue to marry a man for his money, or his family status instead of love. According to research, money is the number 1 cause of divorce among other things. As a married person, I can see how money can affect the marriage. However, it is never the root cause, it is easier to blame money and overlook the real underlining reasons for marital problems. Again there is nothing wrong with making sure that your spouse is stable financially, but it should never be the case to look down on a potential partner simply because he does not have a white collar job or a certain degree. Now, I told my parents' love story because my dad was one of those guys who did not stand a chance at marrying a prominent girl, but when given the chance he was able to prove that your beginnings will never determine your end if you walk in the will of God. My mother was motivated by her love for my father, and because of that they were able to overcome 40 years of hardships, and also enjoyed 40 years of triumph.

           Far too often, women have criteria that they themselves cannot stand against. If you expect a man who has a master's degree or PHD, or a man who majored in a high paying job, you have to ensure that you can also deliver the same criteria. Most definitely do not come to the table with merely a high school diploma or lack thereof and use the man as a financial plan. It will not work in the long run. Accolades are great, but when it comes to marriage it really is not an educational matter. You can make informed decisions in your private life based on your attained knowledge, but neither education, nor money, nor social status is required to have a successful marriage. When I told a friend about a nice young man I met a couple of years ago who held a blue-collar job, she told me, "that's nice but can he take care of you?" I told her I don't know what his profession has to do with his willingness to care for me. Little did she know that he was applying to school to become a pharmacist, so all he needed was a woman who understood that the first few years of their life  may be sacrificial so that he can also finally achieve his goals.

            I am not sure if this happens in other cultures, but it is very apparent in the African population. I encourage you to see people as an end in themselves, and not as a means to an end. Love people for who they are today, and not what they will become. God created us and urges us to call things to be as though they were. Sometimes, you may need to put in some actual work to attain the relationship you want. Everyone has a dream or at least once had a dream. You might just be the person who will motivate this individual to accomplish their dream. So don't lose hope because the package is not glittering from the start. My marriage is living proof of that, and I am glad my decision was based purely on love.

"Keeping up with the Joneses"

                 This week a friend and I got into a conversation about competition amongst friends and family when it comes to dating, marriage, parenting, education, etc... She requested that I expand on some of the factors that influence people to become overtly competitive with those closest to them and even acquaintances. So here, I would like to share my perspective on this important issue most of us are familiar with... 

                Her request led me to research a bit about a term we all know as "keeping up with the joneses", coined in the early 1900's. The "Joneses" were not actual people per se, they were cartoon characters who were never physically seen in the comic strip but were implied to signify "neighbors". The essence of the term is to portray people who compete with others for socio-economic status which tends to lead to unnecessary debt & to some extent even broken relationships. Essentially, one is competing against another based on their perception without being cognizant that their view can in fact be tainted. 

               Life is not a race, and "keeping up" only causes casualties. This topic has been on my heart for quite a while, as I assessed my environment, and witnessed many strained relationships. I pondered about the difference between being genuinely competitive and trying to fit in by replicating the lives of others. Competition is a healthy trait, because it can motivate you to do better and become your best self. Healthy competition is when you use yourself as the standard and not others. Competition is ingrained in us from the time we enter grade school to the point when we enter the workforce, and impacts any ralationship we attempt to build. It is the basis for sibling rivalry and hinders our true purpose in life as we chase the dreams of others. As an attempt to shorten this blog, I will partially address this issue for now. What I have learned over my 27 years of life is that although society materialistically defines success, it is rather a multi-faceted point in life which  is much more subjective than the objective standard precribed by society. 

Success is when the combination of our capabilities, talents, potential, dreams, goals, and knowledge bring us into a state of harmony with our mind, heart and soul. Basically what I consider success may never be considered success for someone else. 

               The point in me leading you thoroughly is to portray how being wrongfully motivated to keep up with others in any aspect of your life ultimately hinders you. Know that the fruit does not fall too far from the tree, so whatever motivates you to get married, pregnant, educated, become a friend, buy things, etc will be the very thing that brings you what you deserve. The energy you put in is the energy you will reap. We participate in many activities and events in our lives such as baby showers, weddings, birthdays, graduations, etc... There is nothing wrong with being inspired by such events, but when people push to the edge to do everything possible to keep up, they end up getting hurt. 

          I encourage you not to be intimidated by happy moments in the lives of your loved ones, but rather celebrate and encourage those around you even if you don't have the very thing you wish for. We are all guided by seasons and times, and when it is your moment to shine you will. 

Happy Holidays everyone. 

Enjoy your week. 

"Attitude determines altitude"

 

             I recently had the opportunity, to perform a dual role as a specialist and trainer for individuals moving from public assistance to finding employment. The goal of the program is to help clients become self sufficient. The challenge in fulfilling my position was neither in obtaining the community resources for the clients, nor in teaching the clients the necessary life skills needed to GET and KEEP a job. The challenge I encountered was rather directed towards my attempt to address the past underlying conditions that affect the clients' present behavior, attitudes, and lack of motivation. 

               About 3 weeks ago, a new young lady walked in my classroom over an hour late, looking all exhausted, and visibly pregnant. She was much younger than my average student. It was a rather big class that day, so I allowed her to just take a seat. I did not at the time address her because I knew she will cause a scene. During break, I inquired about her reason for being late. She replied:"'cuz I got kids!" So I responded: "everyone here got kids," and by everyone I meant there are no student enrolled here who isn't a parent. Her response to me was: "so?" I ignored the comment and quickly caught her up on what she missed and asked her how she planned on making up the time lost. She appeared pertubed that I even required that of her, seeing her present condition. She shook her head, rubbed her belly and said:" I'm due in 2 weeks so what am I gonna do?" Break was over so I had her meet with me 2 days later, where she cried 5 minutes into our conversation and confirmed to me how broken she actually was; hence the behavior. I responded to her with reprimand, love and encouragement she needed to face her current barriers. This is her third child and she is barely 20 years old. Now the manner in which I delt with her is due in part to my knowledge of underlying conditions. Her behavior proved to me that she is in need, and in pain so projecting this negative attitude was just a defense mechanism she used to cope with her issues. 

               "Underlying conditions" is a term I have ingrained in my mind from my years of working in the child welfare system of NYC. The basic definition is pretty much any issue that lies beneath the conscious mind that affects our behavior. Now, this is clearly not the tip of the iceberg situation where you can see, and avoid. Underlying conditions are usually so imbedded in us that they drive our behavior, however we lack the awareness to readily identify them.                         Underlying conditions affect our attitude, and attitudes determine how far we get in life. "Attitude determines altitude" was the motto of the curriculum I thought my students as I attempted to strip away layers of past issues such as rape, Domestic violence, abuse, neglect, addictions etc... These factors hindered them from changing their perception about life and being motivated enough to become employed and also stay employed.

            I wish to inform you that needs drive behavior. So basically, any behavior you display is a sign of something you need. Experience has taught me that teenage girls tend to go after a grown man because they lack a father figure, children who sustain sexual abuse grow to become promiscuous or sexually withdrawn, children who grow up in DV relationships become abusers or victims, children who grow up in substance abuse environments tend to hate such substances, or become abusers themselves. As I mentioned before, my goal in blogging is to address life issues which ultimately determine who we are. I want to encourage you to show concern for people around you even strangers you meet. When someone at the DMV, or supermarket, or at a store displays a behavior that is not appropriate, if you have to be in contact with them, be that person who is patient with them and be that ear to them; because a word you say may impact them to improve their lives. I know it is hard to do, but it is totally worth it when you are able to transform lives with the power of your words. 

I hope this post allows readers to become aware of their own behavior and she'd light on those living in the dark world of emotional trauma that is shunned from our society. 

Be Blessed, 

Relationship Dynamic: Do Better, Get Your Own!

Last week's article elicited several off the line comments and discussions and gave birth to new topics of concern about marriage. Today, I will address the second topic in the relationship dynamic series: dating someone else's spouse. 

Now, I don't know about the rest of you but I normally don't even share my food let alone my man. At a very tender age, I was exposed to the idea of women knowingly and fearlessly dating another woman's husband. The excuse I used to hear when I was 10-13 years old was, : "oh I didn't know he/she was married". However, it has now become common place to the point where a man will approach an obviously pregnant woman, regardless of whether or not she has a ring. We continuously see both men and women attempting to seduce a married person in the presence of their spouse. 

 The list of scenarios goes on and on...  

As I thought about this topic, I was more curious as to why someone would partially partake of the true essence of love, or rather trade it for temporary lust. Sometimes people believe the men were unhappy and the real wives were simply horrific. They find reasons to excuse the cheaters' actions. The truth of the matter is, that it is a self-esteem issue once again. Choosing to be the "other woman" or "other man" portrays the message that you are willing to settle for less as you temporarily rent space in their heart if that. If that person is so miserable in their relationship, they should just walk away, instead of playing around causing casualties to children and  loved ones. The promise that they will leave the spouse for you, is just a tactic. However, I have sadly seen the promise be fulfilled in which case, you must know that the process will only repeat itself. 

I am not writing this topic to demean those who are, or were "the other woman/man". 

I am rather writing to encourage them to raise the bar, stand for morality, expect their own, and know that they deserve better than what they settled for. Complete commitment is more fulfilling than being a bystander,  who envies his real family at a distance, spends holidays alone, and sneaks around  just to enjoy a brief moment with that person. 

I encourage you all to love yourselves and expect more, because you are worth it!