Living in The Moment

This week, I attended a wonderful 3-day conference discussing the overarching long term impact of sexual assault and domestic violence on victims.  If time permits I will shed some light on these issues at a later time. However, something happened during the event which left me in disbelief.  While we were being served lunch, we were asked to direct our attention to yet another presentation. While the presenters went on, a woman in her 50's got on the phone and started having a conversation for at least 30 minutes. Sitting at her table were three other individuals who were clearly engulfed in their phones messaging back and forth. Sitting at the table right next to them, it was extremely hard to listen to the presentation without being distracted.

I just sat there and comtemplated on the importance of living in the moment. Here we were trying to discover new ways to address some of the most prevalent issues faced by domestic victims across the nation. However, since a few people amongst the 200 attendees were bored, they refused to live in that moment and found other means to entertain themselves notwithstanding the inconvenience to others.

This constant need to answer non-emergency phones, texting, and liking/commenting on social media transcends generation Y. It reaches other age groups as well, and is plain annoying. Dont attend church, a celebration, or any event if you need constant entertainment. We consider not doing any of these things boredom and yearn to remain in the loop at any cost. Our inability to live in the moment causes us to always wish for the next big thing. So we live unfulfilled lives with unrealistic expectations, and yearnings that continuously leave us feeling void.

Today choose to be present in anything you participate in, not just your body, but be there in mind and deed as well. Once again, popular behavior doesnt automatically make it acceptable. Let's regain the values that truly enhances society.

Choosing Passion over the Norm :)

Years ago I read a book called "rich dad, poor dad" by Robert Kiyosaki. The book was based on the premise that a rich dad encourages his child to pursue his or her passion, whereas the poor dad's main focus is to ensure the child attains the highest level of education. The rich dad encourages an entrepreneurial endeavor whereas the poor dad may in a way limit the child's ability to explore by only providing the option of schooling. I understand the premise upon which the book is predicated, and saw it as an eye opener. Fast forward 7 years later, and I see this theory at work in my life and in the life of most of my peers as well. 

Many of us especially us of African decent have been told to pursue our education to our highest potential. However, somewhere in that expectation you are not allowed to follow your own dreams as many parents dictate to their children what to major in or which profession to aspire to. Since it is ingrained in us that being from a developing country, education is most definitely a privilege, we launch on this path of achieving and becoming the best. Ultimately, the strive to success is not bad, but how many people actually get to the end (bachelors, masters, PhDs degrees) and feel satisfied? 

We allow others to define the meaning of success for us, instead of searching for the meaning of success ourselves. There is a danger in being prescribed a standard for success, when success is truly a subjective matter and is not independent of all other aspects of our lives. So people end up in jobs they hate to report to each and everyday, yet are too afraid to make that change. We get caught in the rat race and find it virtually impossible to make a career shift because we have bills that are dependent of every single paycheck. 

For someone who has taken drastic measures in life pertaining education and career, and being constantly reminded by others that quitting anything makes you somehow a failure. I am here to tell you that it is not true whatsoever, sometimes we must know when it is enough. One must know when a job, a relationship, or any endeavor for that matter, should be ended. Starting over is not bad when you have a plan and faith. Most importantly, knowing your purpose in life will guide you into the right profession, the right marriage, the right attitude, the right friendships, and a life that is fulfilling and worth living daily. 

With care, 

RAY 

Take nothing for granted.

           Good morning my dear audience.  I haven't been able to blog for two whole months for several reasons. I am apologetic to those who read and supported my blog weekly. I am not fully back but I will attempt to blog as often as I am able to. This time away gave me the opportunity to do some soul searching as I pondered on the most important things in life. 

           Our society is so engrained in capitalism that our lives are becoming more and more materialistic. The virtual lives we experience on social media has made it even more evident that everything we possess is one way or another objectified. Amongst all the "me" "my" "mine" delegations, we discover that we take so much for granted. It is all about the here and now, even our relationships have been mitigated to the pleasure provided through instant gratification. 

              We move so fast that we forget to be thankful for the intangible things in our lives that actually gives us the very essence of life. If you or someone you know has ever been seriously sick or diagnosed with some type of terminal illness, your attention now becomes focused on the priceless nature of health. Health is something we take completely for granted, and forget to count as a blessing whenever we decide to complain about what we do not have. 

              We complain about our jobs sometimes without real reason. We take for granted the air we breath until we experience shortness of breadth. We complain about our friends, children, spouses. Especially in a marriage it is so easy to take much for granted, but what happens when that person is no longer there with you? We ignore family members at our beck and call and constantly reject their love, because of our own selfish natures. 

Today, learn to recognize and acknowledge all the things in your life that are not visible but make it possible for you to go on daily. 

The gift of Easter

The Easter season brings about the remembrance of the Savior's atonement. I am so overwhelmed with the tremendous act of love we received. So today I wish to provoke your minds unto the feeling of Gratitude. 

God took the people of Israel out of Egypt through the parting of the sea, and into the wilderness where he fed them with Mana, food from heaven. God gave them water out of a rock when they were thirsty. Yet still, they murmured against God. 

It is easy for us to look down on the people of Israel as ungrateful after witnessing all these miracles. But we are not any different from them. We receive so many blessings and miracles daily that we are quick to forget as soon as we face a hardship. This past year taught me the secret of living a more fulfilled life. Simply put a heart of Gratitude paves ways to blessings beyond your control. Gratitude relies completely on the Savior, and trusts in the infinite power of his Atonement. 

As you stop complaining about everything, you esteem material possessions less and less; yet your needs will be consistently met. We take so much for granted and cherish nothing in return. When you worry, you doubt God's love. 

Today, learn to become forever grateful, and that will be your anchor in facing the tides of this journey called life. 

Enjoy your Easter! 

Weddings don't need to cost a fortune!

In 18 days, we will be celebrating our one year anniversary, where did the time go! As I reminisced about the wedding day, the vows we wrote, the guests, the decor, the food, the most important thing that stood out to me was the emotions that flooded my heart on that very day. 

There are a few events in life that women yearn for and a glamorous wedding is nothing short of our wishes. However, in an attempt to capture this fairy tale ideology, women at times lose their focus from the marriage to just the wedding. The wedding is just a one day celebration, the marriage is for a lifetime; confusing the two will only cause havoc in your relationship. 

I decided to plan my entire wedding with no assistance, not because I did not need people, but simply because I couldn't deal with the different opinions that were sure to put us in debt. 

Weddings are a huge business for any market, thus their prices are always inflated. Do not spend your money trying to outdo someone else, or just to make it look expensive. Expensive doesn't mean nice, neither does it mean that you actually will be happy that day. Really and truly the most important thing is how you feel on that day, which requires advance mental preparation. Truth is I did indulge on some things that I did not even notice on the wedding day, thanx to my pictures I was able to admire them later. There are so many things you can do without. 

Having a wedding on credit cards, loans or using all of your money is not advisable. You then spend all your time working to pay off the debt. Have a modest wedding. Save the money. Invest in something worthwhile because after the wedding, and even before the honeymoon is over, life gets real! 

Do what you can afford and what makes you both happy, because outsiders will never be satisfied with what you consider your best. 

The importance of loving yourself

Eleanor Roosevelt once said: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". When I read this quote over a decade ago, I thought to myself: "who would actually allow someone to make them feel inferior?" Years later, the meaning behind this statement became clear as I observed people mistreated by their families, friends, and partners. No one blatantly consents to being mistreated. However, silence speaks just as loudly as words do. In saying and doing nothing when being disrespected, you indirectly "consent" or agree with the treatment. In saying this, I do not negate the stronghold abuse has on the mind of children, who may be unable to defend themselves.  Ultimately, their childhood experiences will affect their response to how they are treated as adolescents or adults. Abuse causes a lot of people to not love themselves, because they have been told so. If this is your case, you must learn to develop self-love, without approval from others because seeking approval will be detrimental. 

Now for those who have been shown love as children, but still have not managed to love themselves, you are giving up your right to be esteemed as a respectable being. The way you see yourself is how others will see you. Loving yourself means embracing the totality of your being and not just your best features. Your self-love is the standard against which others will treat you. Hence why those with low-self esteem tend to be abused and mistreat repeatedly. So although the people who come in your life differ, your low standard remains the same therefore all these different people treat you the same way. 

When you love yourself, you acknowledge that you are not a perfect being and in fact need not be in order to command respect. It does not make you haughty or prideful, it rather gives you the confidence needed to endure the challenges of life. 

When you love yourself, you do not settle for less, you know when enough is enough, you would not prove yourself to anyone but you, you would not try to fit in, your would not compare yourself to others, you would not let anyone abuse you, EVER! 

Loving yourself means more than dressing in expensive apparel, and surrounding yourself with material possessions. It transcends the eye, because it is a void that is filled from within, yet others can see it on the outside by the way you portray yourself. 

Love yourself, 

Be empowered, 

Share your thoughts, 

The Paradox of the American Dream

After 15 years of living in the United States of America, I have realized that the American Dream inherently is a paradox. The idea behind the American Dream originated from the U.S. Declaration of Independence clause stating: "All men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I have a dream" speech also derived from this very premise. The American Dream implies that anyone in the U.S. can succeed financially and educationally through hard work.  However, the founding fathers did not realize that the actual attempt to fulfill this dream will come at a much greater cost, and thereby overlooked the barriers to fulfilling the dream. 

I give you a background on this issue because only then would you understand why so many immigrant homes have lost their cultural sensitivity. We leave our native towns and migrate to the U.S. because of better opportunities. Little did we know that doing so in this capitalistic and materialistic society meant trading our marriages, losing our children to the system, engaging in unnecessary competitions and working to the bone, just to have enough to pay the bills. The joy of spending quality time with your spouse, friends and children have been devalued and traded for overtime at work.

You work so hard to put food on the table, but forget to ensure that your family actually sits together to share that very meal. Children do not remember the provisions you made for them, they rather remember how they felt as they spent time with you. 

While parents get so busy in their own separate worlds trying to make it here, they also try to maintain their image back home by building houses they might never even sleep in. As they pursue their dream and attempt to parent at a distance, their children also become so emotionally disconnected from them that they do potentially negative things to fill the void. As I think back to the African children I met in foster care, some abused under parental stress, some left to watch their younger siblings. Then there are those children who are so bright in school, do their best, yet no parent shows up in the audience to watch them recite their poem, or watch them dance. 

Africans in the diaspora continue to increase, the family will also continue to disintegrate, this is our future. 

We were sold a dream, given an opportunity, but never educated on the consequences of fulfilling that dream. So what now?