My Top-5 most valuable List in a life partner

I decided to write this blog considering that I am always advising friends about what to look for in a partner, both women and men. Even before I was married, I was always drawn to the topic of marriage. Despite the little roller coasters I encountered on my way to this blissful end, I was never one to be discouraged about meeting the right person. And Lord knows I have met some interesting individuals in my life! In any case, everyone has a list whether written or mentally engrained. Mine was surely written. In the vows I wrote my lovely husband, I informed him that he was definitely compared to that list. Now, there seems to be a misconception about what the list should contain. I remember looking online for what the list for a husband should contain and asking friends about their own list, one thing is for sure; they had it all wrong. 

A list for a life partner should include your values, because they guide your thoughts and behaviors, and not your needs. I will write later about how needs drive your behavior but for now here is my top-5 most important values to never overlook on your list. 

1. A man who fears God, not someone who attends church regularly, not someone who is a "prayer warrior", not the leader of the choir, and not the musician. But a man who has an intimate relationship with God. 

2. A man who sees you as an equal partner. There is nothing more disturbing than being married to a man who seeks advise from everyone else but his wife. 

3. A man who is not materialistic but selfless. Marriage is a microscope in which personality traits get  magnified. You see how you loved his over the top outfits, and how all your friends thought he could dress, right. Someway, somehow if that's all he is concerned about it can break your marriage. 

4. A man you are attracted to. Not one, you convince yourself to admire, but one you truly fond of. Not someone your friends or family think is cute, but what you view as beautifully made. 

5. Most importantly, a man YOU chose, this will make all the difference. 

Remember it is not how long your list is, but how substantial your values are. You are probably wondering what about education, money, cars, houses, looks, yes what about them? 

This is what I have learned so far in marriage, material things are the icing on the cake, not the real cake :) Don't be distracted by the gold. to be cont... 

Pride & Prejudice

First and foremost I apologize for messing with the weekly schedule. I wish to write weekly, Sundays seemed to be best but due to demands at work, I am a bit delayed. Anyways... 

I hope this blog is helping and encouraging people as I intend. I am aware of the issue of not being able to comment on the post sometimes, and working diligently to resolve...

Today I wish to write briefly on pride and pretentious living and its detriment on our growth. I am sure many of you have been around people who pretend to be someone they are not, but never attempted to tell them directly how you feel about their pretentious nature. Its like being around a friend who needs deodorant, and facing that excruciating contemplation to tell her /him about it. You know you have to be a friend and tell them the truth, but it is nonetheless a painful process in fear that you might hurt their feelings. Well pride and pretense elicit the same feeling within myself and many of you out there when it comes to facing that person. 

Pride is when someone portrays themselves more than what they really are, and look down on everyone else because of that haughty feeling. In reality this person may not necessarily have more but they feel as such thereby exhibiting feelings of conceit and false high self-esteem as an attempt to undermine others. If nothing brings you down pride will. I want to encourage everyone who has ever been prideful, or pretentious to let go of such feelings and become your real self, only then will you grow. If you know people who can use a lesson on humility, please help them, so they can grow as they allow themselves to learn daily. Some pretend so much they forget who they actually are. It's an infectious danger, to remain prideful. You lose friends, family members, co-workers etc... Please spread the message. 

I wish it still took a village to raise a child

           I blog weekly, but i just had to blog again today because of what I just encountered. I checked my Facebook newsfeed today after work and stumbled on a video that a Facebook friend had "liked". I still do not get why Facebook must inform others about the activities of friends. Quite frankly, I have deleted several people based on comments they made on disturbing posts and wish Facebook will not feed me these outrageous logs of what others do. In any case, the still picture of the video was a young adult in her underwear. It was clear that it was a dancing video, but I clicked it because she had a Ghanaian last name, and I like to continue thinking that Ghanaians know better than to do such things. Even though I am half Ghanaian, I am not saying that out of a feeling of ethnocentrism; but rather based on the way children are brought up back home. 

            These 3 young women in the video were all in their underwear dancing and showing the whole entire world their goodies. I felt like my mother as I reacted to the video. I am still in my twenties and yet was disturbed by the video. I am not shocked based on the appropriateness of the video because there are certainly worst videos out there. However, my reaction stems from knowing that these are young ladies who were fooling around and naively thought it was cool to post the video as an attempt to solicite many likes. Yes I wish it still took a village to raise a child, because I was seconds away from sending the young ladies Facebook messages suggesting they remove it before it goes viral and they get impacted in the near future, I.e. Colleges, work interview etc... This social media age is really getting out of control. I remember doing several videos when I used to dance all the time, and wanting to post them to show my skills and how naturally my body responded to the sound of music. Yet, I never did because I knew better. I have a younger sister in college and anytime I see such things, I get nervous. These same young girls will enter relationships and hope to become someone's spouse. Hmmm. I am just curious to hear what your thoughts are about over sharing on social media sites? Do we all realize the negative and lasting impact it may have on our lives? At what point do you mind your business, and at what point should we become villagers in disciplining the younger generation around us and sometimes even older people who do not know any better? 

The stronghold of social media

         A few months ago, I was so excited to catch-up with some friends; so we decided to go to dinner. Before we had a chance to order, one phone vibrated, while the person was replying another phone went off. And then the next. I sat and watched what appeared to be a phone musical chair. This actually made me check if my phone was on because it had not yet gone off. When the waitress arrived, we were all so engulfed in our smart phones. The waitress had to give us more time to place our orders. 

         Just like everyone else, I did not at the time realize how uncouth it was to be on your phone while someone tried to speak with you. What do I know? It was the new norm! So I was going along with the flow. I decided to blog on this subject because I realized that too often such things happen and no one in our social circle is bold enough to address it. 

          The progress made in the field of technology in this day and age has broken global communication barriers, but complicated the very essence of meaningful relationships. It has become nearly impossible to hold a conversation with someone without their phone interfering. We have become slaves to technology and feel at lost without it. We are in the generation where losing our phone causes more havoc than losing our wallets. I ask myself where I would be if I was born and raised in this social media age. The effects of social media are far more than we choose to acknowledge. We must make a conscious effort to spend quality time with friends and family without the constant need to post, comment, or like a photo on Facebook. These sites have become our realities, when in truth a huge discrepancy still exist between our real lives and our social media lives. 

The Things That Matter

Ages ago, Benjamin Franklin coined the term "time is money". Today, many of us use it loosely to describe a plethora of things that we consider a "waste of time".  So I thought about how this statement can relate to my personal life & surely yours as well. For those who work, the phrase signifies the very essence of your paychecks. For those who don't work, time still is money because of the opportunity cost involved. Economists suggest that not earning money as time passes, does not negate the potential time has to produce revenue. So basically while someone is spending time gossiping or searching through Facebook, the opportunity cost could be studying, reading, working, etc.

I wish to draw your attention to the importance of knowing what you actually do with your time. There are daily activities that are necessary for our normal functioning. There are also others that are simple distractions that hinder our normal functioning and impede our progress. I cannot stress how imperative it is to spend your time productively. Time remains a precious commodity that should not be taken for granted because it ultimately determines your life.

 To be successful, you must become selective as to what you give your time and attention to.  You have to know what thoughts to ignore,what comments to ignore, and even what people to ignore.

Every battle that comes across our path is not meant to be fought; instead spend more time developing your gifts and talents.

Remember do not live to please others, because not everyone will celebrate you.

Letting Go of The Ashes

When I first met my husband, I started making a mistake many of you make when it comes to dating. I felt he looked too good, too tall, and behaved too well to be true, so I unconsciously began to test his credibility. What I failed to realize at first was that, by constantly comparing him with someone in my past I was actually sabotaging our relationship. He on the other hand, remained consistent. So I eventually changed my method and instead made a list of important values I cannot live without, and allowed that to  guide our courting stage. I know many who self-sabotage a meaningful relationship only to repeat the vicious cycle of bad break-ups they intended to  prevent in the first place.  To break the cycle, you must let go of the ashes, which is the holding on of past emotional traumas. The ashes hinder our progress and ultimate  joy. 

          The exes we encountered in our lives are just that. We need to forgive them if they hurt us, reflect on the role we played in the relationship and determine where a lesson should be learned. Finally, you must look forward to a healthier relationship and train your mind to trust again. Sometimes we manage to forgive others, but  not ourselves, this is a critical part of healing. Dwelling on the past, prevents us from giving our all to the new people we meet in life. This does not only apply to boyfriends or husbands, but also to the friends and family members who have bruised our self-esteem. By letting go, you are freeing yourself of the emotional bondage you succumbed to during such relationships.  True healing only occurs when you are vulnerable enough to genuinely love again. 

The Underlining Truth

              In 2011, I had an interesting conversation with a fine young man I met in 2008 but did not date until 3 years later.  One day he said, he has something important to tell me. He proceeds to say: " I will be a liar if I told you I didn't like you, and its obvious you like me too, but I also like another girl in DC."  I sat there quietly for a good 5 minutes while he stared at me.  Then he says to me: "you're not gonna say anything?"  So, I told him: "the reason you are confused is because you want to be with the girl in DC.  So there is nothing for me to say."  He chuckled at that answer and had nothing to say to my response.  So I immediately asked him, nicely, to drop me off at home. The ride was silent. Of course when I got home, I wrote in my diary and laughed off the disappointment. 

             For some reason, my response must have taken him off-guard because he began to call me more. Needless to say, I was done with him. So as time went by, it really made me think about how dating causes so many casualties and continuously lowers one's self-esteem. Dating could be rough, but in introspect, I see that some women tend to be treated bad in relationships because they allow it. Women work so desperately to hold on to a man who has no intention of being with them or helping them improve even as a friend!  I know this may be a hard truth but women invest their all in dead-end relationships because they do not have the strength to move on and also because they are ignorant of their self-worth. 

The underlining truth is low self-esteem will always lead to unfilled relationships.