You Just Never Know!

                            As my parents prepared to celebrate their 40 years of marriage, I started questioning my mom about their love story to discover their secret for such a long marriage. She eagerly started recounting their meeting by saying: "your father, I love him!". As she told me about how her family opposed my dad to marry her because he was "just a pastor" and could not provide. Although my father performed very well academically specifically in Mathematics, no one ever knew that because he had chosen as a young man to serve the Lord wholeheartedly. The feud was based on the fact that my mom was actually in school, and had lawyers, professors and doctors trying to marry her; yet all she wanted was to be with a broke pastor who in hindsight had nothing to offer. Everyone in my huge extended family was against the marriage except my maternal great-grand-mother who is now legend in my hometown. She boldly stood firm against the chosen men of the family and told all of them to let my mother be with the man she loves, and that was pretty much the end of the conversation. 40 years later with 10 children, 24 grandchildren (pending more), and 1great-grandchild, my parents have accomplished much more than what money can buy. They have been able to bring to the U.S all their children and all their grandchildren are here except 4.
                I grew up watching African movies similar to Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare. I never could understand why some Africans refuse to have their children marry the ones they love but rather marry people for economic and societal status, and fame. Although this practice has diminished partially due to westernization, I feel that it continues to be ingrained in the minds of a lot of women both African and even American. Women continue to marry a man for his money, or his family status instead of love. According to research, money is the number 1 cause of divorce among other things. As a married person, I can see how money can affect the marriage. However, it is never the root cause, it is easier to blame money and overlook the real underlining reasons for marital problems. Again there is nothing wrong with making sure that your spouse is stable financially, but it should never be the case to look down on a potential partner simply because he does not have a white collar job or a certain degree. Now, I told my parents' love story because my dad was one of those guys who did not stand a chance at marrying a prominent girl, but when given the chance he was able to prove that your beginnings will never determine your end if you walk in the will of God. My mother was motivated by her love for my father, and because of that they were able to overcome 40 years of hardships, and also enjoyed 40 years of triumph.

           Far too often, women have criteria that they themselves cannot stand against. If you expect a man who has a master's degree or PHD, or a man who majored in a high paying job, you have to ensure that you can also deliver the same criteria. Most definitely do not come to the table with merely a high school diploma or lack thereof and use the man as a financial plan. It will not work in the long run. Accolades are great, but when it comes to marriage it really is not an educational matter. You can make informed decisions in your private life based on your attained knowledge, but neither education, nor money, nor social status is required to have a successful marriage. When I told a friend about a nice young man I met a couple of years ago who held a blue-collar job, she told me, "that's nice but can he take care of you?" I told her I don't know what his profession has to do with his willingness to care for me. Little did she know that he was applying to school to become a pharmacist, so all he needed was a woman who understood that the first few years of their life  may be sacrificial so that he can also finally achieve his goals.

            I am not sure if this happens in other cultures, but it is very apparent in the African population. I encourage you to see people as an end in themselves, and not as a means to an end. Love people for who they are today, and not what they will become. God created us and urges us to call things to be as though they were. Sometimes, you may need to put in some actual work to attain the relationship you want. Everyone has a dream or at least once had a dream. You might just be the person who will motivate this individual to accomplish their dream. So don't lose hope because the package is not glittering from the start. My marriage is living proof of that, and I am glad my decision was based purely on love.

"Keeping up with the Joneses"

                 This week a friend and I got into a conversation about competition amongst friends and family when it comes to dating, marriage, parenting, education, etc... She requested that I expand on some of the factors that influence people to become overtly competitive with those closest to them and even acquaintances. So here, I would like to share my perspective on this important issue most of us are familiar with... 

                Her request led me to research a bit about a term we all know as "keeping up with the joneses", coined in the early 1900's. The "Joneses" were not actual people per se, they were cartoon characters who were never physically seen in the comic strip but were implied to signify "neighbors". The essence of the term is to portray people who compete with others for socio-economic status which tends to lead to unnecessary debt & to some extent even broken relationships. Essentially, one is competing against another based on their perception without being cognizant that their view can in fact be tainted. 

               Life is not a race, and "keeping up" only causes casualties. This topic has been on my heart for quite a while, as I assessed my environment, and witnessed many strained relationships. I pondered about the difference between being genuinely competitive and trying to fit in by replicating the lives of others. Competition is a healthy trait, because it can motivate you to do better and become your best self. Healthy competition is when you use yourself as the standard and not others. Competition is ingrained in us from the time we enter grade school to the point when we enter the workforce, and impacts any ralationship we attempt to build. It is the basis for sibling rivalry and hinders our true purpose in life as we chase the dreams of others. As an attempt to shorten this blog, I will partially address this issue for now. What I have learned over my 27 years of life is that although society materialistically defines success, it is rather a multi-faceted point in life which  is much more subjective than the objective standard precribed by society. 

Success is when the combination of our capabilities, talents, potential, dreams, goals, and knowledge bring us into a state of harmony with our mind, heart and soul. Basically what I consider success may never be considered success for someone else. 

               The point in me leading you thoroughly is to portray how being wrongfully motivated to keep up with others in any aspect of your life ultimately hinders you. Know that the fruit does not fall too far from the tree, so whatever motivates you to get married, pregnant, educated, become a friend, buy things, etc will be the very thing that brings you what you deserve. The energy you put in is the energy you will reap. We participate in many activities and events in our lives such as baby showers, weddings, birthdays, graduations, etc... There is nothing wrong with being inspired by such events, but when people push to the edge to do everything possible to keep up, they end up getting hurt. 

          I encourage you not to be intimidated by happy moments in the lives of your loved ones, but rather celebrate and encourage those around you even if you don't have the very thing you wish for. We are all guided by seasons and times, and when it is your moment to shine you will. 

Happy Holidays everyone. 

Enjoy your week. 

"Attitude determines altitude"

 

             I recently had the opportunity, to perform a dual role as a specialist and trainer for individuals moving from public assistance to finding employment. The goal of the program is to help clients become self sufficient. The challenge in fulfilling my position was neither in obtaining the community resources for the clients, nor in teaching the clients the necessary life skills needed to GET and KEEP a job. The challenge I encountered was rather directed towards my attempt to address the past underlying conditions that affect the clients' present behavior, attitudes, and lack of motivation. 

               About 3 weeks ago, a new young lady walked in my classroom over an hour late, looking all exhausted, and visibly pregnant. She was much younger than my average student. It was a rather big class that day, so I allowed her to just take a seat. I did not at the time address her because I knew she will cause a scene. During break, I inquired about her reason for being late. She replied:"'cuz I got kids!" So I responded: "everyone here got kids," and by everyone I meant there are no student enrolled here who isn't a parent. Her response to me was: "so?" I ignored the comment and quickly caught her up on what she missed and asked her how she planned on making up the time lost. She appeared pertubed that I even required that of her, seeing her present condition. She shook her head, rubbed her belly and said:" I'm due in 2 weeks so what am I gonna do?" Break was over so I had her meet with me 2 days later, where she cried 5 minutes into our conversation and confirmed to me how broken she actually was; hence the behavior. I responded to her with reprimand, love and encouragement she needed to face her current barriers. This is her third child and she is barely 20 years old. Now the manner in which I delt with her is due in part to my knowledge of underlying conditions. Her behavior proved to me that she is in need, and in pain so projecting this negative attitude was just a defense mechanism she used to cope with her issues. 

               "Underlying conditions" is a term I have ingrained in my mind from my years of working in the child welfare system of NYC. The basic definition is pretty much any issue that lies beneath the conscious mind that affects our behavior. Now, this is clearly not the tip of the iceberg situation where you can see, and avoid. Underlying conditions are usually so imbedded in us that they drive our behavior, however we lack the awareness to readily identify them.                         Underlying conditions affect our attitude, and attitudes determine how far we get in life. "Attitude determines altitude" was the motto of the curriculum I thought my students as I attempted to strip away layers of past issues such as rape, Domestic violence, abuse, neglect, addictions etc... These factors hindered them from changing their perception about life and being motivated enough to become employed and also stay employed.

            I wish to inform you that needs drive behavior. So basically, any behavior you display is a sign of something you need. Experience has taught me that teenage girls tend to go after a grown man because they lack a father figure, children who sustain sexual abuse grow to become promiscuous or sexually withdrawn, children who grow up in DV relationships become abusers or victims, children who grow up in substance abuse environments tend to hate such substances, or become abusers themselves. As I mentioned before, my goal in blogging is to address life issues which ultimately determine who we are. I want to encourage you to show concern for people around you even strangers you meet. When someone at the DMV, or supermarket, or at a store displays a behavior that is not appropriate, if you have to be in contact with them, be that person who is patient with them and be that ear to them; because a word you say may impact them to improve their lives. I know it is hard to do, but it is totally worth it when you are able to transform lives with the power of your words. 

I hope this post allows readers to become aware of their own behavior and she'd light on those living in the dark world of emotional trauma that is shunned from our society. 

Be Blessed, 

Relationship Dynamic: Do Better, Get Your Own!

Last week's article elicited several off the line comments and discussions and gave birth to new topics of concern about marriage. Today, I will address the second topic in the relationship dynamic series: dating someone else's spouse. 

Now, I don't know about the rest of you but I normally don't even share my food let alone my man. At a very tender age, I was exposed to the idea of women knowingly and fearlessly dating another woman's husband. The excuse I used to hear when I was 10-13 years old was, : "oh I didn't know he/she was married". However, it has now become common place to the point where a man will approach an obviously pregnant woman, regardless of whether or not she has a ring. We continuously see both men and women attempting to seduce a married person in the presence of their spouse. 

 The list of scenarios goes on and on...  

As I thought about this topic, I was more curious as to why someone would partially partake of the true essence of love, or rather trade it for temporary lust. Sometimes people believe the men were unhappy and the real wives were simply horrific. They find reasons to excuse the cheaters' actions. The truth of the matter is, that it is a self-esteem issue once again. Choosing to be the "other woman" or "other man" portrays the message that you are willing to settle for less as you temporarily rent space in their heart if that. If that person is so miserable in their relationship, they should just walk away, instead of playing around causing casualties to children and  loved ones. The promise that they will leave the spouse for you, is just a tactic. However, I have sadly seen the promise be fulfilled in which case, you must know that the process will only repeat itself. 

I am not writing this topic to demean those who are, or were "the other woman/man". 

I am rather writing to encourage them to raise the bar, stand for morality, expect their own, and know that they deserve better than what they settled for. Complete commitment is more fulfilling than being a bystander,  who envies his real family at a distance, spends holidays alone, and sneaks around  just to enjoy a brief moment with that person. 

I encourage you all to love yourselves and expect more, because you are worth it! 

Relationship dynamic: Infidelity

At work this week, two young men around 22 years of age approached me. One flirtatiously asked my age while the other responded "prolly 21". I smiled and kept working as they both attempted to get my attention by talking about me as though I was not present. Finally I told them I was 17, thinking they wanted an older woman, but that did not work so since they would not give up on getting my attention, I reminded them that this was a work place to try and be professional. So they left, but the one who was interested returned hours later to ask me out for dinner. So I thought to my self that perhaps because my hand was covered he did not see my ring. Therefore I  asked him:"would your behavior change if I told you that I was married". His response threw me off, not because I am naive but because it rang way too familiar. He said that it would not change anything, because what "he doesn't know won't hurt him" and added that I would not be the first married woman he has "messed with". I told him: "I don't think you heard me, I am happily married". He said ok and walked away and ever since avoids even eye contact with me. 

           Prior to getting married, I received messages that portrayed cheating to be normal and acceptable in our society. Women will tell me "that's how men are, you gotta live with it" and some were adamant that it is impossible to find a man who does not cheat. On the other hand, men will say to me "it's easy for men to cheat because women throw themselves at them." Although both statements may have some truth attached to them, they are purely ingrained in fallacies. My goal is not to discuss why men or women cheat, because once you make the decision to cheat, anything could sound like a good reason. I rather wish to shed light on some relationship dynamic that may innocently open the door to infidelity. 

Everyone we encounter plays a role in our lives even those we meet briefly. The workplace might be one of the most vulnerable places for married people, as they become comfortable with members of the opposite sex. There are behaviors that are very suggestive that many are oblivious to. Such behaviors tend to lead to emotional cheating and at times physical cheating. The key here is to honor your marriage wherever you are by making it known through your behavior that you do respect your partner. The way you do that is to not engage in any jokes or behaviors that may give others a reason to disrespect your partner who in fact may not know what is going on at work or away from home. 

In my case I did nothing to attract attention, and clearly informing him of my marital status seemed insignificant until I made it evident that I was not going to disrespect my husband at any point just because he is unaware. 

Whether you are married or in a serious courtship, I encourage you to respect your partner, by being committed to staying faithful despite the numerous temptations out there. Also remember, the decision to cheat comes before the act and not after.