The complexity surrounding black skin

                 On February 27, 2014, actress Lupita Nyong'o gave a moving speech at  the 7th annual ESSENCE Black Women In Hollywood luncheon in Beverly Hills and reactions to this speech continue to plague social media sites. Although I had a reaction formed in my head, I tried to stay away from commenting but couldn't. Simply because I realize that color continues to be a black person's dilemma and needed to be spoken of. Today's society has made it so that what we wear, think, do, and feel remains a direct product of what we see in the media.  Thus, Lupita on a global scale was able to validate that being black is just as beautiful by saying: "there is no shame in black beauty." To be in a  position of influence is a privilege, and it is great to see that she is using this global platform for a greater purpose and truly hope this purpose is not hindered by the pressures of being a celebrity. Just like everything else in the media, things come and go within a blink of an eye. And although this speech was so moving, I wish that among others this message becomes ingrained in the hearts and minds of black women and men across the nations.

                The strive for beauty as seen in the African, American, and Caribbean cultures is seen by the self-inflicted harm of bleaching our skin. This is obviously the standard prescribed by the media as beauty. I never understood the concept of someone completely changing their skin complexion. As one who suffered from acne for over a decade, I fell prey of bleaching creams namely hydroquinone as an ingredient; all because I wanted to rid my skin of blackheads-the awful aftermath of acne. As I watched my skin tone change to the point where I could no longer recognize myself, I knew that this was going against my belief that God made us the way he intended with no  mistakes. Along with the expensive wet-n-wavy Indian hair on my head, I noticed that I was receiving more compliments from both Caucasian and Hispanic males.  This actually offended me as I compared the attention I previously received. So this caused me to do extensive research on skin bleaching and the harmful ingredients found in these products. Well, for starters, The color change is superficial and not internal unless you take oral products to alter your melanin production. I can imagine how Lupita felt, when I and many others have been told over and over again that African  men find light skin black women more attractive. I mean you have darker women bleaching to become lighter, and even lighter-skinned black women bleaching to highlight their color. The truth remains that none of these women can truly formulate a reason for their bleaching, this shows the seriousness of this issue. So living with that inferiority complex, does more harm than good unless you make the bold decision to be yourself. I do not wish to attack anyone who has bleached their skin, because ultimately this remains your personal preference, but it is something to think about. We can say "black is beautiful" all we want but unless we actually believe those words our daughters and sons will suffer the pain we endured and repeat the vicious cycles that plague black communities.

             About a decade ago, my cousin came to visit from London and while at the Laundromat in NYC, she was told by a Black American man that she was too pretty to be African. This comment was definitely not warranted by her British accent, but the fact that it has been wrongfully ingrained in western societies that being African denotes inferiority to the point where blacks specifically in the United states feel superior to Blacks in Africa.  When a black woman is made aware of her skin it is rarely as a compliment. When a black man is made aware of his skin, it is surrounded by fear and discomfort. Living in Utah I felt so passionate about race, and as time went by I tried to overlook the issues surrounding being black and promoting that everything does not have to do with race. However, the unfortunate truth remains that when you are black your skin color always precedes even your gender. I would not get into the media's influence and subtle messages about blacks. I rather wish to highlight that as a people, we must overcome the mental hindrances of slavery, empower one another, see through a lens of love where prejudicial acts and statements lose all power and control. Most importantly, love the skin you are in no matter what tone you are on the color spectrum.


There is so much  more I wish to say about this topic but this will do for now. I look forward to hearing your thoughts and comments on this very issue.



To read the speech:

 http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/lupita-nyong-moving-speech-essence-event-article-1.1706333#ixzz2uxvFmOKd

Self-worth=Just you +the sum of all your flaws

                                    Today I wish to talk to you about insecurities, an issue I discovered  to be quite universal. Insecurities transcend class, socio-economic status, marital status, education level, and even beauty. The social standards prescribed by society in this day and age, make it so much easier to develop unnecessary insecurities. Whether you meet an overweight or skinny person, there still tends to be a weight concern. When reading about bulimia and anorexia, it seems so unrealistic, until you meet real people suffering from these disorders. Bullying, a despicable behavior seen in school-age children can find its root in the insecurities the aggressors experience. Domestic violence amongst teens and adults in relationships, also another clear indication of insecurities pertaining to imbalance in power and control. Although many of the issues we encounter in our daily lives stem from insecurities and a lack of self-worth, this topic remains the pink elephant in the room. Insecurities are socially imposed disorders that can lead to  years of depression and loneliness and potentially lead to suicide.

                               We tend to mask our feelings of insecurity into aggressiveness, defensiveness,  hatred, jealousy, over-competitiveness, and shyness. In relationships, insecurities may require some partners to be strong for two simply because you may not feel that you are man enough or an ideal woman. This can become overbearing for the partner who always have to encourage you. In such situations, you must acknowledge the insecurity,  recognize your self-worth, and communicate with your partner to prevent jealousy, distrust, betrayal, etc. In school settings, you have peer groups formed as clicks based on the type of clothes they were(name brands), the grades they receive, and even cultural background. Parents are forced to adhere to the school fashion status quo so that their children are not isolated. It is almost impossible for anyone to boldly acknowledge their insecurities, yet we all display attitudes and behaviors  based on them. Ultimately, we all have insecurities even I.

                             I quite remember in the 10th grade, someone I considered a friend made a comment about my face. I was so devastated and still remember it to this day. I have personally suffered from acne for over a decade.  After 2 years of recovery, I find myself returning to the same teenage routine I had literally 10 years ago. I could have fooled everyone around me due to my confidence, but I have always been so insecure about my skin breaking out. I remember reading an article about acne, which stated that employers can disqualify you in interviews because you have bad skin. Well you might scream discrimination, but you will never know that a generic "thank you for applying" letter had something to do with your skin. According to the article, the idea behind that scenario is that healthy skin denotes good genes etc... I felt so discouraged but luckily, I can't remember being disqualified by any job after actually interviewing. Nonetheless, looks may not be everything but they become  something when it matters. As I matured, I learned to live with the acne and did not allow it to ruin it for me. When anyone is inconsiderate enough to make rude comments about it, I just brush it off because I realized that it does not define me. Is it hard? YES! Especially since everyone you see on TV is flawless and has been photo-shopped. Just know that every condition you are in, there is always worst out there, and things can always be far worst.

                            When you see that woman with a husband, good career, children, nice house, and is beautiful on top of that you might think to yourself that she's got it all and see her life as perfection. Little do you know that this same woman may be insecure about her marriage, or her looks the very thing you find "beautiful". When you see that young man in his luxury car nicely dressed with a good job, you might think he's got it all. You may never know that they are actually too shy to even ask a girl out, or simply because they suffer from halitosis (bad breath).  

                            Your self-worth is completely independent of your shortcomings, and your insecurities. Learn to embrace all of you. Acknowledge your insecurities, you need to be able to say oh well and keep it moving. Recognize that others behavior towards you may be due to their own insecurities, in so doing you  may be able to also help them to deal with their situation  in a healthy manner.

Most importantly, No one is perfect. In creating you, God made provisions for all your shortcomings and loves you all the same.

When your "good" isn't good enough.

          Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you asked yourself: how the heck did I get here or better yet who am I? Well, you are not alone if you have.

            If you got so deep in a relationship to the point where you were unable to recognize your individual self prior to engaging in that relationship, then you have lost sight of what it truly means to be whole. Dating or marriage do not make you whole. You must come to the table already whole so that your needs and priorities will not be distorted. Being broken will hinder the growth of your relationship. If you are broken and do not take the proper initiative to heal and restore, you are bound to destroy yourself further or your partner. Your "good" will never be enough if you do not know your self worth. Your "good" will never be enough because it was lust and you mistook it for love. Your "good" will never be enough, if you were "hanging out" "talking", and you assumed a relationship. Your "good" will never be enough if  you do not know that a relationship must involve two people even when one is working overtime to sustain it. So far as your "good" is not enough, you will remain discontent.

       
            I read a marriage book 6 years ago, and a quote in it stuck with me. "Love is a potion which turns independent, smart & assertive women into gooey love-struck teenagers." I can't even begin to tell you how true this quote is, and how my experiences and observations within the past six years have proven the statement. So, I continuously wonder why the very thing which gives man its essence of living can cause so much pain!

               To do justice to love, lust must be fully defined. Lust is an intense sexual desire or appetite, which denotes that the one experiencing this emotion is out to satisfy a need. Although lust is an aspect of love, if left alone it becomes utterly meaningless. As human beings we find our life's meaning in the very act of love. We can express love in any and everything we do; in our interactions with others, in fulfilling our job duties, in parenting, in giving, and even in the way we view our own selves. Love literally gives life, and allows you to thrive and excel. Therefore if what you are experiencing does not give you hope, joy, nor peace then it is not love. There is no magical word to make you leave a bad situation, you just need to recognize that what you have now does not give life. It sounds easy, but that's because it is! People do not change, people just learn to adapt to new situations, meaning if given the opportunity they can regress back to same habits.

             Simply stated, love (& I wont say true love, because love is true and that will be redundant) is the greatest gift to mankind, wait for it in every area. Unfortunately there are no shortcuts to this destination.... You are worth it, wait for it.



           

Relationship Dynamic: why do married people neglect their single friends?

          Now when asked to answer this question I wrote a very long post detailing the many dynamics at work in the above scenario. However, I later decided to focus on just answering the question and write another blog about friendship so stay tuned... So. 

          After my engagement and wedding, I personally contacted all attendees to thank them for their time and even proceeded to have long conversations with a few. Shortly after that, I went into a friendship drought. I wondered why I was no longer hearing from barely anyone, so I reached out to friends and inquired. I received responses such as: "you are in honeymoon stage", or "you just got married, I'm giving you some space", and even received advice cautioning me to beware of friends after being married. Ok. So I get the idea behind all these statements but I was still confused as to why marriage should impede a life-long friendship. It is not like tossing a coin where if you get heads, you cannot get tails. So at times, I fired back with: "well where was he when you were there for me?" This situation is like a self-fulfilling prophecy where people expect you to disappear after marriage so they ran away before you reject them. I am pretty familiar with this question, as many have expressed their concern with other friends pertaining this issue. Now let me just say that friendship and marriage are not mutually exclusive relationships. Therefore marriage should in no way preclude the existence of a friendship. Both play specific roles in your life and are absolutely necessary. So let me shed some light on why this might occur. 

          Life places numerous demands on everyone. As we grow and experience different stages in our lives, our priorities also change. This is why it is important for friends to remain in contact to address these expectations and find ways to accommodate the new lifestyle whatever it may be. The word "busy" is the code word people use as an excuse to focus on their priorities, however significant or insignificant they may be. Everything in life requires balance, so it is everyone's responsibility to ensure that attention is given to what is most important and believe me people do put the effort where they deem necessary. As single friends maybe you used to text or talk daily, once married you might both agree to weekly or even monthly that could become your new norm. Personally, I am not for monthly, I still think daily or every other day is possible. And yes even with children, since we find time to post their pictures online anyway! 

             One thing I want to point out is that the level of friendship you had prior to marriage is what should be maintained afterwards. In other words, if we spoke twice a year, monthly or sporadically neither of us should be expecting increased communication after marriage. The friendship should improve to building a greater bond with or without marriage because as friends we are obligated to each other. 

           For married people: 

1. Be mindful that it is uncomfortable and annoying to say to a single friend: "when would you get married?" Or worst try to set them up without their request. Wait for the friend to ask if he/she needs assistance in that area. 

 2. Try not to monopolize your conversations with your love life or your children's daily agenda. 

3. Never forget what it was like to be single, and remain a fun friend like you used to be. 

4. Develop time-management skills. 

               For single friends: 

1. Express your feelings to the friend if you feel ignored or neglected. They may truly be oblivious. 

2. Understand that you may not be able to spend so much free time with each other like before. Work to both agree on a new normal as stated above. 

3. You are not solely responsible to reach out because you are expected to have more time on your hands. 

4. It is ok to make new friends with common interest in order to continue living your life independently as well. 

5. Your married friends may not be able to frequent old hangout spots because a fight might await them home. Explore new activities together. 

Overall, people do not ignore you because they get married but because they are unable to define your role in this new stage of their life. 

Complete Restoration from Above

Before I delve into today's inspirational topic, I wanted to apologize for missing a post last week because I know many of you actually look forward to my blogs. Last weekend we moved into our new home, and were caught up unpacking and decorating. And as you can imagine, no internet access, still awaiting connection from Verizon but I was inspired this morning to share a message with you so I managed my cell without wifi. 

            I wish to remind you all once again that this blog was created not as an outlet, but as a platform to encourage you, to inspire you, and to empower you to fully live your life as you endeavor to become the best you. It is most definitely not about what's cool now or what's trending, it's about touching souls. If you ever feel that it's losing focus on the mission feel free to send me a private message to steer me in the right direction. Prior to creating this blog, I asked friends and family their thoughts about my decision. One of the comments I received questioned me on whether I can handle negativity, or bashing on my blogs. I simply responded that I doubt my writings will elicit such reactions. I am thankful that we haven't encountered such behavior. I truly appreciate the positive energy. 

And now the message: 

        Even before 2014 started I anticipated the year to be nothing but good. As we approach the end of January, I wish to share this uplifting message about God's restorative power. Many of us are lost or have felt lost at some point in our lives, not knowing what to do or where to turn for help. I was so decisive and so sure of what I wanted to do in life up until age 21-graduation. Then I lived the next 5 years lost & confused amidst several jobs, unemployments, government loan deferments, salliemae harassments, and attempts at law school and nursing school (both utter disasters due to lack of financial support).  It felt as though the rat race will never end, and my life will forever be caught in disappointment after disappointment notwithstanding the false rumors  that plagued my name. Maybe you can't relate to the aforementioned, but you have endured a terrible breakup, divorce, rape, domestic violence, loneliness, depression, a major illness, etc. I just wish to inform you that God has the power to restore you completely and renew you. You might have endured so much, but scripture tells us that he will give rest to those who are heavy laden. 

              As I reflected upon the goodness of God since September '13, I went back to the hardships and struggles encountered prior. And all I can do was meditate upon this scripture: Joel 2:25 "And I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you."

I can assure you that in my case he did exactly that on every level of my life. He has turned my mournings into laughter. We were not created to "hang in there", but to rather thrive. So do not live in mediocrity, in so doing you impede the fulfillment of your destiny. Address issues in your life 1-by-1, discipline yourself, focus on the good, pray often, and do good, and your perspective on life will transform. 

God will turn around your captivity and change your life if you rely on him. I realize not everyone of you is Christian, I acknowledge that, but I also know you believe in a higher power. Let that guide you as you approach life with more boldness, hope, peace, strength, and joy.

 Happy Sunday, be blessed. 

You are what you think

After graduating college, I stumbled upon a book called The Secret, which was very popular years ago; the timing couldn't have been any better! Now the lesson I learned from the book is that once a thought occurs in your mind, it is automatically captured and willed into being. The book boldly stated that some of the bad things that happen to us are things that we have willed into being, in lemans term we jinx ourself. When I recommend the book to others, I explain that it is a book about faith written without using the word faith in order to appeal to a broader non-religious audience. As I meditated upon a topic, it occurred to me how true this book was and wanted to share it with others. 

While residing in NYC during 2010, I racked up parking and speeding tickets over a $1,000. It was not unusual to hear me talk about how parking meters hated me, for some reason the time seemed to always go faster when I parked there. It was almost all I could think of, how to get rid of current tickets and how to avoid getting more; only to incur even more tickets. Then I remembered the lesson in The Secret, about how when you focus your attention on a particular issue you mind actually registers that you want that thing to occur. So I sacrificed and paid off all my tickets, and vowed to no longer get another parking ticket, I since haven't  and I won't knock on wood because I just know I won't. 

The bible tells us to call things to be as though they are, that is truly the secret of the Christian life. We are bound to experience trauma, pain, hurt, and challenges, but the goal is to endure and not be moved by present circumstances and rather shift our focus to how things will be once "this" passes. As we focus daily on the good things that await we are able to deal with the unpleasant situations, learn what we ought to learn, and persevere. Know that as your mind conceives possibilities, you will be able to address any issues life throws you. 

Be positive! Be empowered! 

Becoming a child again

We have the privilege and honor to live to see the year 2014, and like myself most of us are eager to see what this year will bring. The most common thing at the beginning of every new year is the goals we all set. Sometimes we acknowledge the need to make a change in our lives, but somehow manage to procrastinate the change until the new year. The most ideal method in goal-setting is making a conscious effort to make it a daily endeavor instead of a yearly leap. As this new year begins, many wish to exercise, shed some pounds, get married, have children, obtain new jobs, move out-of-state, become better individuals, save and pay off debt, grow spiritually, learn to forgive, etc. Believe it or not, my 2014 goals were set in August 2013, simply because I am timeline-conscious. 

I started this year reading several self help books, to improve myself in becoming my ideal self. But as I watched my little niece Shaniya's behavior and demeanor it occurred to me that most of the goals I sat would easily be accomplished if I learned to re-develop the child-like traits I once had. Children are such a blessing; and even though I do not yet have my own, I had the privilege to be around them my whole life. The way she lights up a room with her sweet voice and smile even when no one is in the mood to talk is just amazing. Here are some traits that children possess that can alleviate adults of some of the unnecessary burdens of life. 

Children have a (1) humble spirit, (2) they have faith, (3) they love unconditionally, and (4) can easily transform. 

1. The pride of life is so destructive, and creates a haughty spirit that is unyielding to the Holy Spirit. Children are not so easily offended, and do not hold grudges.

2. Faith calls for complete dependence on God knowing that you can trust him to make possible that which we can't do. Children demonstrate this trait by trusting their parents to provide, and be there for them when in need. Children do not worry about what they need or want even if their parents tell them they have no money. 

3. The Bible says he who forgives little loves little. We live such stressful lives, and make it even more complicated by malice, hatred, and lack of compassion. Love transcends all things only if we do yield. 

4. Children are teachable. Most people go through life knowledgeable through academia but miss all the important lessons at the core of this journey called life, simply because we refuse to be teachable by experiences, or those in our lives who are wise. 

Combining all these traits, realize that you can develop high self-esteem and self-love to counter depression, you can blossom in love and cease to become hurt and broken, become financially wise because your spending habits have taught you better, achieve your highest educational, and social goals because you have faith that with God all things are possible. 

I pray 2014 brings you total harmony with your heart, mind, and soul as you become like a child yearning for the greater good in life.