After my engagement and wedding, I personally contacted all attendees to thank them for their time and even proceeded to have long conversations with a few. Shortly after that, I went into a friendship drought. I wondered why I was no longer hearing from barely anyone, so I reached out to friends and inquired. I received responses such as: "you are in honeymoon stage", or "you just got married, I'm giving you some space", and even received advice cautioning me to beware of friends after being married. Ok. So I get the idea behind all these statements but I was still confused as to why marriage should impede a life-long friendship. It is not like tossing a coin where if you get heads, you cannot get tails. So at times, I fired back with: "well where was he when you were there for me?" This situation is like a self-fulfilling prophecy where people expect you to disappear after marriage so they ran away before you reject them. I am pretty familiar with this question, as many have expressed their concern with other friends pertaining this issue. Now let me just say that friendship and marriage are not mutually exclusive relationships. Therefore marriage should in no way preclude the existence of a friendship. Both play specific roles in your life and are absolutely necessary. So let me shed some light on why this might occur.
Life places numerous demands on everyone. As we grow and experience different stages in our lives, our priorities also change. This is why it is important for friends to remain in contact to address these expectations and find ways to accommodate the new lifestyle whatever it may be. The word "busy" is the code word people use as an excuse to focus on their priorities, however significant or insignificant they may be. Everything in life requires balance, so it is everyone's responsibility to ensure that attention is given to what is most important and believe me people do put the effort where they deem necessary. As single friends maybe you used to text or talk daily, once married you might both agree to weekly or even monthly that could become your new norm. Personally, I am not for monthly, I still think daily or every other day is possible. And yes even with children, since we find time to post their pictures online anyway!
One thing I want to point out is that the level of friendship you had prior to marriage is what should be maintained afterwards. In other words, if we spoke twice a year, monthly or sporadically neither of us should be expecting increased communication after marriage. The friendship should improve to building a greater bond with or without marriage because as friends we are obligated to each other.
For married people:
1. Be mindful that it is uncomfortable and annoying to say to a single friend: "when would you get married?" Or worst try to set them up without their request. Wait for the friend to ask if he/she needs assistance in that area.
2. Try not to monopolize your conversations with your love life or your children's daily agenda.
3. Never forget what it was like to be single, and remain a fun friend like you used to be.
4. Develop time-management skills.
For single friends:
1. Express your feelings to the friend if you feel ignored or neglected. They may truly be oblivious.
2. Understand that you may not be able to spend so much free time with each other like before. Work to both agree on a new normal as stated above.
3. You are not solely responsible to reach out because you are expected to have more time on your hands.
4. It is ok to make new friends with common interest in order to continue living your life independently as well.
5. Your married friends may not be able to frequent old hangout spots because a fight might await them home. Explore new activities together.
Overall, people do not ignore you because they get married but because they are unable to define your role in this new stage of their life.
Post your thoughts as well, as to why it may happen. Thanx
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