Self-worth=Just you +the sum of all your flaws

                                    Today I wish to talk to you about insecurities, an issue I discovered  to be quite universal. Insecurities transcend class, socio-economic status, marital status, education level, and even beauty. The social standards prescribed by society in this day and age, make it so much easier to develop unnecessary insecurities. Whether you meet an overweight or skinny person, there still tends to be a weight concern. When reading about bulimia and anorexia, it seems so unrealistic, until you meet real people suffering from these disorders. Bullying, a despicable behavior seen in school-age children can find its root in the insecurities the aggressors experience. Domestic violence amongst teens and adults in relationships, also another clear indication of insecurities pertaining to imbalance in power and control. Although many of the issues we encounter in our daily lives stem from insecurities and a lack of self-worth, this topic remains the pink elephant in the room. Insecurities are socially imposed disorders that can lead to  years of depression and loneliness and potentially lead to suicide.

                               We tend to mask our feelings of insecurity into aggressiveness, defensiveness,  hatred, jealousy, over-competitiveness, and shyness. In relationships, insecurities may require some partners to be strong for two simply because you may not feel that you are man enough or an ideal woman. This can become overbearing for the partner who always have to encourage you. In such situations, you must acknowledge the insecurity,  recognize your self-worth, and communicate with your partner to prevent jealousy, distrust, betrayal, etc. In school settings, you have peer groups formed as clicks based on the type of clothes they were(name brands), the grades they receive, and even cultural background. Parents are forced to adhere to the school fashion status quo so that their children are not isolated. It is almost impossible for anyone to boldly acknowledge their insecurities, yet we all display attitudes and behaviors  based on them. Ultimately, we all have insecurities even I.

                             I quite remember in the 10th grade, someone I considered a friend made a comment about my face. I was so devastated and still remember it to this day. I have personally suffered from acne for over a decade.  After 2 years of recovery, I find myself returning to the same teenage routine I had literally 10 years ago. I could have fooled everyone around me due to my confidence, but I have always been so insecure about my skin breaking out. I remember reading an article about acne, which stated that employers can disqualify you in interviews because you have bad skin. Well you might scream discrimination, but you will never know that a generic "thank you for applying" letter had something to do with your skin. According to the article, the idea behind that scenario is that healthy skin denotes good genes etc... I felt so discouraged but luckily, I can't remember being disqualified by any job after actually interviewing. Nonetheless, looks may not be everything but they become  something when it matters. As I matured, I learned to live with the acne and did not allow it to ruin it for me. When anyone is inconsiderate enough to make rude comments about it, I just brush it off because I realized that it does not define me. Is it hard? YES! Especially since everyone you see on TV is flawless and has been photo-shopped. Just know that every condition you are in, there is always worst out there, and things can always be far worst.

                            When you see that woman with a husband, good career, children, nice house, and is beautiful on top of that you might think to yourself that she's got it all and see her life as perfection. Little do you know that this same woman may be insecure about her marriage, or her looks the very thing you find "beautiful". When you see that young man in his luxury car nicely dressed with a good job, you might think he's got it all. You may never know that they are actually too shy to even ask a girl out, or simply because they suffer from halitosis (bad breath).  

                            Your self-worth is completely independent of your shortcomings, and your insecurities. Learn to embrace all of you. Acknowledge your insecurities, you need to be able to say oh well and keep it moving. Recognize that others behavior towards you may be due to their own insecurities, in so doing you  may be able to also help them to deal with their situation  in a healthy manner.

Most importantly, No one is perfect. In creating you, God made provisions for all your shortcomings and loves you all the same.

When your "good" isn't good enough.

          Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you asked yourself: how the heck did I get here or better yet who am I? Well, you are not alone if you have.

            If you got so deep in a relationship to the point where you were unable to recognize your individual self prior to engaging in that relationship, then you have lost sight of what it truly means to be whole. Dating or marriage do not make you whole. You must come to the table already whole so that your needs and priorities will not be distorted. Being broken will hinder the growth of your relationship. If you are broken and do not take the proper initiative to heal and restore, you are bound to destroy yourself further or your partner. Your "good" will never be enough if you do not know your self worth. Your "good" will never be enough because it was lust and you mistook it for love. Your "good" will never be enough, if you were "hanging out" "talking", and you assumed a relationship. Your "good" will never be enough if  you do not know that a relationship must involve two people even when one is working overtime to sustain it. So far as your "good" is not enough, you will remain discontent.

       
            I read a marriage book 6 years ago, and a quote in it stuck with me. "Love is a potion which turns independent, smart & assertive women into gooey love-struck teenagers." I can't even begin to tell you how true this quote is, and how my experiences and observations within the past six years have proven the statement. So, I continuously wonder why the very thing which gives man its essence of living can cause so much pain!

               To do justice to love, lust must be fully defined. Lust is an intense sexual desire or appetite, which denotes that the one experiencing this emotion is out to satisfy a need. Although lust is an aspect of love, if left alone it becomes utterly meaningless. As human beings we find our life's meaning in the very act of love. We can express love in any and everything we do; in our interactions with others, in fulfilling our job duties, in parenting, in giving, and even in the way we view our own selves. Love literally gives life, and allows you to thrive and excel. Therefore if what you are experiencing does not give you hope, joy, nor peace then it is not love. There is no magical word to make you leave a bad situation, you just need to recognize that what you have now does not give life. It sounds easy, but that's because it is! People do not change, people just learn to adapt to new situations, meaning if given the opportunity they can regress back to same habits.

             Simply stated, love (& I wont say true love, because love is true and that will be redundant) is the greatest gift to mankind, wait for it in every area. Unfortunately there are no shortcuts to this destination.... You are worth it, wait for it.



           

Relationship Dynamic: why do married people neglect their single friends?

          Now when asked to answer this question I wrote a very long post detailing the many dynamics at work in the above scenario. However, I later decided to focus on just answering the question and write another blog about friendship so stay tuned... So. 

          After my engagement and wedding, I personally contacted all attendees to thank them for their time and even proceeded to have long conversations with a few. Shortly after that, I went into a friendship drought. I wondered why I was no longer hearing from barely anyone, so I reached out to friends and inquired. I received responses such as: "you are in honeymoon stage", or "you just got married, I'm giving you some space", and even received advice cautioning me to beware of friends after being married. Ok. So I get the idea behind all these statements but I was still confused as to why marriage should impede a life-long friendship. It is not like tossing a coin where if you get heads, you cannot get tails. So at times, I fired back with: "well where was he when you were there for me?" This situation is like a self-fulfilling prophecy where people expect you to disappear after marriage so they ran away before you reject them. I am pretty familiar with this question, as many have expressed their concern with other friends pertaining this issue. Now let me just say that friendship and marriage are not mutually exclusive relationships. Therefore marriage should in no way preclude the existence of a friendship. Both play specific roles in your life and are absolutely necessary. So let me shed some light on why this might occur. 

          Life places numerous demands on everyone. As we grow and experience different stages in our lives, our priorities also change. This is why it is important for friends to remain in contact to address these expectations and find ways to accommodate the new lifestyle whatever it may be. The word "busy" is the code word people use as an excuse to focus on their priorities, however significant or insignificant they may be. Everything in life requires balance, so it is everyone's responsibility to ensure that attention is given to what is most important and believe me people do put the effort where they deem necessary. As single friends maybe you used to text or talk daily, once married you might both agree to weekly or even monthly that could become your new norm. Personally, I am not for monthly, I still think daily or every other day is possible. And yes even with children, since we find time to post their pictures online anyway! 

             One thing I want to point out is that the level of friendship you had prior to marriage is what should be maintained afterwards. In other words, if we spoke twice a year, monthly or sporadically neither of us should be expecting increased communication after marriage. The friendship should improve to building a greater bond with or without marriage because as friends we are obligated to each other. 

           For married people: 

1. Be mindful that it is uncomfortable and annoying to say to a single friend: "when would you get married?" Or worst try to set them up without their request. Wait for the friend to ask if he/she needs assistance in that area. 

 2. Try not to monopolize your conversations with your love life or your children's daily agenda. 

3. Never forget what it was like to be single, and remain a fun friend like you used to be. 

4. Develop time-management skills. 

               For single friends: 

1. Express your feelings to the friend if you feel ignored or neglected. They may truly be oblivious. 

2. Understand that you may not be able to spend so much free time with each other like before. Work to both agree on a new normal as stated above. 

3. You are not solely responsible to reach out because you are expected to have more time on your hands. 

4. It is ok to make new friends with common interest in order to continue living your life independently as well. 

5. Your married friends may not be able to frequent old hangout spots because a fight might await them home. Explore new activities together. 

Overall, people do not ignore you because they get married but because they are unable to define your role in this new stage of their life.